The following is some expert advice on how to understand your children. We hope it will help to ensure that both they and you as parents are happy — because really, nothing in the world is more important.
On raising a child
- Raising a child does not mean you have to ‘tame’ it. The task of a parent is not to simply inculcate conditional reflexes in an infant as if it were an animal.
- The idea that you need to ‘train’ your child is not a healthy mentality. This word too often encourages parents to think that it’s right to force, coerce, make demands on, or control their offspring. It’s much more constructive to think of your responsibilities in terms of helping your child to grow, so that one day it will be able to live among others independently and happily.
- Remember Michelangelo’s fresco: God’s powerful arm extends to the outstretched hand of Adam. There’s an important lesson in this picture which you don’t have to be a believer to appreciate. An adult is a bearer of knowledge, wisdom, and morality, and they should pass all of this on to their child.
- When their child grows up, every parent needs to understand that it’s time to take their guiding hand from its shoulder. For this son or daughter is, of course, no longer a child — it’s an independent adult in its own right, an individual with his or her own goals, way of thinking, personality, and lifestyle. The parent’s most critical responsibilities as guardian and breadwinner have come to an end. It is time to adjust to a different relationship based simply on love and friendship, rather than on the goal of supervising and directing their entire life.
- Trying to force the pace of a child’s development is harmful. Every single one of them learns to comprehend and live in the world at a different speed, and we shouldn’t try to increase the tempo. It helps to think of this in terms of gardening: One has to water a plant rather than pull aggressively on its stems; we cannot force our children to grow — instead we should help them, facilitating their development in any way we can.
On disobedience
- Being disobedient is the only way a child knows how to respond when it is treated incorrectly by an adult.
- Making you angry in order to get attention is highly characteristic of all children.
- Teenage fashion is like chickenpox: many of them get infected with it to a greater or lesser degree, but in a couple of years time it’s completely forgotten. It’s not worth getting into a drawn-out conflict over something so temporary.
- Exerting discipline over your children comes not before, but after you’ve established a friendly relationship with them, and only on the basis of it.
- So long as they’re not life-threatening, it’s not a disaster if your child goes through some negative experiences. Let them see the results of their actions (or inaction). It’s only through such experiences that he or she will achieve maturity.
- Children often receive the impression that their parents are never upset by anything, precisely because they don’t talk about themselves. It’s important to tell them what you are feeling, so they can understand that you, too, sometimes need support and are as equally vulnerable as they are. But you have to be honest and never, ever manipulate them emotionally.
On self-esteem
- A child’s self-esteem is often shaped by its actions and our evaluation of them. If he does well in his studies, he’s a good boy. If she’s helping mom, she’s a good girl. A child needs to be encouraged to view itself positively. And so, if he or she’s been told that their a bad boy or girl, this can have a real and long-lasting negative psychological impact.
- All children instinctively look for something which will improve how they feel about themselves if a negative evaluation has formed in their minds. A teenager in particular will search for approval, support, and recognition anywhere they can find it – whether it’s in a criminal gang or in a church.
On school
- As institutions, schools have no interest in the development of creativity or the cultivation of independence among young people. Instead, the only thing they care about is the child’s success in the curriculum and exams. They demand obedience rather than encourage free thought and critical thinking.
- When children are forced to do something against their will, are intimidated or humiliated at school (more often than not, by their own teachers), the seeds of an inferiority complex are sown. The energy drains out of them and they don’t want to do anything. So the parent ends up with a choice: either take the side of the school, or support their child. Inspiring a child or young person to reach their potential is the task of every parent. If you can’t rely on the school to do it, then you, personally, have to try all the harder.
- Of course, where possible, you should try to respect your child’s educators. Let them know you appreciate what they are trying to do. But never be ashamed to remind them that, whatever they may tell you, your evaluation and treatment of your own child will always be determined by you, and no one else. Whatever failings they have, however much they’re disappointed with their progress at school, you will always love them.
- School doesn’t last forever. But your relationship with your child lasts a lifetime.
We’d love to hear your views on this…
